New Year, New Us

I can not believe our group has been going strong for a whole year now! That is so amazing but what is even more amazing are all of my support group members! I love them so much and they have been so good to me and for me!
If you are not a part of this wonderful group, please consider joining us.

I am looking forward to this new year with excitement and anticipation. I know I stressed on an earlier post how I feel like a new and improved person and, that is still so true. I know this sounds crazy but, I feel blessed in a way to have done through what I did. Helping others with anxiety and depression is my purpose. Holy cow! I found my purpose! It brings me so much joy and peace. It’s hard to even describe.

I am excited about what the year 2020 has in store for me and my group members. We are getting stronger by the day and I have so many wonderful things in store for us this year from hands-on group support to our new bi-monthly group outings. It’s going to be great. Be ready for progress and fun people!

Payoff

I am happy to report at this time that I feel the closest to my normal self than I have in a very long time. Actually, that is not entirely true; I feel like a better version of my normal self! I have not felt truly depressed in a couple of months and have not had morning anxiety in about 2 weeks!!! This is a very big deal y’all! It feels sooooo good and, I swear if you would have asked me 2 years ago if I would ever be able to say this I would have said, “Nope. My life is over. I will never be okay again.” But, here I am. Still standing here today. Dare I even say that I feel happy?

It has been a long road. I’ve tried a crapload of various meds, exercise, oils, meditations, self-help books, mindsets, therapies, mantras, etc., etc. There is not one single thing that I can say helped me and, I am not going to say I am guaranteed good to go from here on out. I can slide back. I know that. But, I have to forge ahead and revel in how I feel today because it feels awesome!! Was it my new Prozac meds? My testosterone treatment? My new job? (Yes! I went back to work even!) Retraining my brain on how to focus on more positive thoughts? Was it my millions of prayers? My family? Friends? I can’t put my finger on any one thing but, that’s okay. Now I know that the hope I carried with me, paid off. My dedication to myself and getting better paid off. This is work y’all. You have to want to get better. You have to be willing to fight. You have to have hope and NEVER give up! Things can get better!! I am living proof of that and I know there are many more people out there who are as well.

Please know that you matter. You belong. You are loved. You are strong. And, no, after going through intense depression, you will not ever be the same again but, you will be a better version of who you were. A stronger one. A version of you who knows better now. A version of you who takes things a little more lightly. One who takes time to acknowledge the beauty in the little things. One who does not stay in the presence of negative thoughts or people. One who can look around at others and know that we are all human. We all make mistakes and you allow yourself to do so with joy, laughter, and acceptance. You will now be comfortable with who you are. You will love yourself. Isn’t that wonderful? And, it’s true. I promise you. Don’t give up. Good things are coming.

And now,…back to my new self…
🙂

Roller Coaster

Hey everybody.  It has been months since I have posted on this blog and I have to tell you, I have not been doing well.  The support group has been great and it is going strong and I am so thankful for that but, I have still been stuck on this anxiety and depression roller coaster still.  Ugh!  It is so frustrating! I must say that if I did not have my support around me and all these awesome coping tools that I keep adding to my toolbelt every other week from support meetings I know I would have more “downs” than “ups” on this roller coaster of mine.  So, for that I am truly grateful.

If you struggle with mental illness don’t give up! Ever! I have been waking up with crazy anxiety every. single. morning. But, I fight. I get out of bed and I start fighting.  I fight to have a happy day.  I fight to not feel like I have to fake being okay that day.  I fight to interact with my kids in a postive way.  I fight to be myself so my husband can come home to the person he married  20 years ago.  I fight because I refuse to feel like this for the rest of my life and I don’t want to want to die. (I hope that made sense.)

Hang on to hope.  Believe that things will get better.  You will find yourself again.  Reach out.  Use the coping strategies you have learned. Force yourself out of bed. Go for a walk. Watch something funny. Meditate. Go see your counselor. Eat better.  Whatever it takes just try it and keep trying it until you win.

Peace, love, and light,

Heather

Renewing/Resetting the Mind

A few weeks ago at one of our meetings, Lauren Settle, a local counselor from the area, (thank you again Lauren, you are wonderful!), talked to us about renewing and resetting our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.  As many of you can imagine, this is not as easy as it sounds.  It takes effort.  It takes commitment.  It takes practice.  And, it takes time.  A lot of time.  I mean, think about it.  The many thoughts we tell ourselves about who we are and how we act did not just pop up over night.  They most likely formed from years and years of living in a particular place or circumstance which eventually sculpted our thoughts and beliefs into what we know of and think about ourselves everyday!  For example, I have extremely low confidence.  This did not happen overnight.  My past relationships and feelings of insecurity and inferiority as a kid have pretty much shaped me into the frightened self-doubter I am today.  (I am 46 years-old and still afraid to raise my hand and ask questions.  Seriously?  Seriously.)  But, apparently, I can reverse this!  I’ve really been working on it too.  I acknowledged it for starters!  And now, I know that if I tell myself otherwise everyday (I mean everyday people!  I told you it takes serious effort and commitment) and I force myself to do things that demonstrate confidence (It takes action too and this is no mam-bee, pam-bee thing to do for someone with crazy anxiety.) I can change this part of my story.  I can change that part of who I am.  I’ve been doing it and it is working!  It makes me so happy!  I see more light in that aspect of my life now.  I feel so much stronger and a little more in control and it is so awesome!!  I highly recommend y’all try doing this.  I would love to help you on your path to finding the wonderful parts of you that have been there this whole time anyway!

Off and Running and Meditating!

Well, the group is getting bigger and I am so excited!  What an amazing group of people I get to spend time with at every meeting.  Wow!  We talked about how helpful meditation can be for an anxiety, depression, memory, focus, and a slew of other things at the last meeting. We even did a meditation practice session (I want to give a big shout out to our meditation leader for making that happen.  She was awesome!)  I made it a goal for myself this past week to meditate every morning for at least 5 minutes.  I’ve stayed on track for the most part and I really do think it calms me and helps me stay in the here and now (I typically love to worry about what is happening 5 minutes from now, tomorrow, next week, and in ten years.  It’s called anxiety people.)  What I really loved about it though is how I can come back to the steady breathing aspect of it throughout my day; it helps me stay centered, calm, and steady.  It’s really cool!  I needed it on Friday when I subbed at the middle school all day!  Oi, vay!  No, I’m just kidding, the kids were actually quite wonderful that day!  Anyway, if you haven’t tried meditation, I highly recommend it.  You can find super easy, ready to go meditation apps to put on your phone that talk you through the breathing and what to do with your thoughts throughout.  It is so simple really; yet, so effective!  You don’t even have to do any crazy chants or anything!  However, I admit, I love to chant over and over “Rummm”, “Rum, Rum, Rum, Rum, Rummmmmmm.”  It just helps with my focus and I like the vibration of the “mmmm.” I know.  I’m weird.  Anyway, happy meditating!

Let’s Do It Again!

Yay!  It’s official!  I held my first meeting this past Tuesday on the 15th of January.  Three people came and it was awesome!  I don’t know about the rest of the attendees but, I felt so comfortable with them right off the bat.  How great is that?  I’m so grateful to them for showing up; and for being brave enough to put themselves out there and share their feelings and experiences with the group.

You want to know what is so crazy?  I suffer from social anxiety.  So, it seems really strange that I would want to organize and lead a group of any kind, right?  It’s so weird how, from day one of wanting to do this, I have felt so much peace in doing it.  It’s like it’s just what I am supposed to do.  I was so comfortable Tuesday night sharing my heart it was just so weird.  And, I didn’t feel my usual angst or nervousness at all.  It was almost like I was on a weird high, just feeling so excited and joyful that I had people in my house who felt like I did.  I know I already said this but, it was just so awesome!!!

So, I pray this feeling will continue as I move forward meeting after meeting.  I pray as others attend they will grow into a better place, find helpful coping or even recovery strategies, and come willing to accept the truth: that there is peace and light out there and it can and will stay longer and longer if we keep trying.

Let’s do it again!  Thanks everybody!

Well, That Was a Bust!

Nobody showed up to my first meeting!  Okay, I probably shouldn’t have had it on New Year’s Day but still!  I know so many people are out there who need this!  I will not give up.  My husband won’t let me right now anyway! We will make this happen!

On a personal note, I have really struggled lately.  My depression is creeping back in and I am not happy about that at all.  I have been doing so well for so long!  I’m thinking maybe it is seasonal?  I mean, we are in the midst of winter here in Texas (ha, ha).  In all seriousness, I need sunshine and my family recently returned from Long Island where it was quite cold, cloudy, and rainy so I think that may have started it.  At any rate, I am trying to get outside when that sun is out and keep myself busy.  Unfortunately, my depression has been so bad that there have been a couple of days where I just couldn’t get myself to really do anything that I know I needed to do to make myself feel better.  Ugh!!  It’s so frustrating!

Anyway, my next meeting y’all is January 15th at 7:00 pm.  I do hope you can make it!  We are just going to take it nice and slow; we will have casual, open and honest conversation.  No pressure!  You can come and just listen if you want or, just come for the refreshments!  I just want everyone to know they are not alone in their battle!

On to 2019

So, getting my support group up and running has been a challenge.  It is now December 31st, 2018 and I have yet to hold a single meeting.  Grad school, kids, and all the other craziness in my life hindered my progress a bit but, tomorrow is my first scheduled meeting!  I am nervous and excited all at the same time; however, I need to put myself in this vulnerable place in order to personally progress and, hopefully, help others too.

I am still fractured and emotionally fragile for I found myself in a very scary place a couple of weeks ago.  Self-doubt over almost every aspect of my life along with the challenges of parenting teenagers put me over the edge. I once again realized how frustrating it is to feel too embarrassed to ask for help when you’re feeling completely hopeless.   It just goes to show I still need help.  I need ongoing help.  I need support and encouragement.  I need positive conversation, healthy relationships with others, and confidence in myself and my abilities.  I need to be reminded of the many ways help is there when I need it and of useful strategies that lead my thoughts to a happier, peaceful place.  I need a support group!  And, maybe you do too?  I do hope you will consider coming.  Refreshments will be served!

Zucci – Who Saved Who?

My kids and I have tried to talk my husband into getting us a dog for many years.  His biggest complaint is the stress of an untrained dog and the need for a dogsitter when we travel.  These are all valid reasons but, I felt strongly that the support and company of a new furry friend could possibly help me.  When you feel that awful and low you are willing to do and try anything at any cost to feel better so, my husband finally gave in on one of our many visits to the pet rescue and, boy did we hit the jackpot with our new little guy!  His name is Zucci (pronounced zoo-key) and he is the best dog ever!!  He is my little shadow throughout my day, my lump of love at my feet anytime I’m sitting and doing my schoolwork, and brings so much love and joy not just to me but to everyone in our home!  He almost makes me wonder; maybe I didn’t need the medicine and therapy after all?!

Leaps of Faith

I had contemplated attending grad school for school guidance counseling for the past several years.  When we moved to San Antonio from Houston I struggled to find a teaching position.  That meant I was pretty much jobless (aside from the random sub jobs I would pick up in our district) and I had a lot of time on my hands.  If you suffer from depression you know how much worse it can get when you have nothing to occupy your time and your brain.  And, if you’re a student and suffer from anxiety you know how much worse your anxiety can get when you have the stress of writing papers and deadlines.  Nonetheless, I prayed and prayed about whether or not enrolling in grad school was a good idea for me and I kept feeling as though I needed to just do it regardless of what other people thought or what seemed logical to me at the time.

Well, I’m so glad I listened to the answer to my prayers because grad school has been so easy and stress-free!  Ha! Not!  Even though it is definitely stressful at times, it has given my brain a new direction as well as my future.  I am almost halfway done already and it feels so good!  I am super proud of myself (I have a 4.0GPA so far) and I look forward to getting back into a full-time work environment when the time is right.

So, if you feel stuck in a rut and there is something you have been thinking about doing for quite a while that will make you happy, seriously consider going for it!   I think sometimes taking a chance or a leap of faith can be refreshing and exciting!  It can stir up motivation you never thought you had and with that renewed hope.  If those around you are not immediately supportive try not to get discouraged.  Remember, they’re your hopes and dreams not someone else’s.